For all I’ve tried, I can’t seem to ennuncaite what I’m feeling.

No metaphors, no similies, no emotional testimonies.

I want you and I to work out. That’s just it.

Probably because of familiarity and lack of options elsewhere.

I’m hurt, but I shouldn’t be. I’m jealous, but there’s no reason.

I’m just too deep to know which way is up.

I want to see you. but I’m not initiating. I want to be with you. but don’t want to leave.

I’m not sure why these emotions have become a flood.

I’m not sure why I can’t put words to these waves.

I’m just sure that this feeling has meaning.

but what..

I still believe in the fairytale. I’m just realistic. I’ve been played, cheapened, hurt. I’ve attracted but can’t seem to be commitment. I’ve realized the one I want is one in a million. or what seems like one in a million. and he’s waiting for me to either search for him or settle. I’m hoping I don’t settle, but I’m also hoping I don’t have to wait long. I think my relationship with Him has to grow stronger before my relationship with him even begins. Why everyone else gets to learn this lesson through trial and error and I have to take the back seat, I’m not sure. but it’s about trust, isn’t it? about faith of the heart? it’s about the journey and enjoyment of the little before you reach your end and fully enjoy the gift. the gift of Him. and him.

I’m on guard. I’ve proven to not know what is best. for me, for my life, for my heart especially. I can’t make the right deicsions-so why try? Is that wrong? I’m at a point where I’d follow desire first. I know that’s wrong. but it’s coincidence of absence. So what do I do? Has He given me each one? or are they temptation I’ve been allured to? Will He give me a lesson, a gift, a teacher this summer?

I’ve contemplated a fasting. a fasting to focus on Him and our relationship. I’d tell those closest to me. but would anything come of it? How do I ensure something comes from this. how long should this be?

At the end of the day, I don’t believe in the fairytale. I believe in His fairytale. but at the end of the day, I separate from my belief and surcome to temptation of desiring something more immediate. At the end of the day, Him and him look all too similar in my world.

sometimes it only takes the word.

it’s a hard wait..